10 things for 10 people...

So, I've seen this around on other blogs... at least I did a while back. I sat down and wrote it out on paper a few months ago. I didn't realize then just how painful it would end up being. But at the same time, it was a very therapeutic exercise. I cried a lot, and smiled too. When I was finished I didn't post it. It felt too real, and the feelings were too raw. I was worried about who I would upset with my words. Now... I've decided this is my space. If you don't like what I have to say, go elsewhere. These are my feelings and thoughts, I don't want or need your opinion. Chances are, none of these things are about YOU anyway.

So with that, I give you the 10 things I wish I could say to 10 people:

1. Since the day you came into my life you have been the very center of my universe; my reason for living. Without your beautiful smiling face I would have given up so long ago.
   
2. I know the enormity of what you personally deal with on an everyday basis is overwhelming. I understand that, really I do. But you aren't dying. Sometimes I just need you to be a friend- a regular one, not a sick one.
3. I wish you hadn't bailed me out EVERY time I got in a bind. Now that you're not around I'm having trouble fixing things myself. I'm 26 years old and have to learn how to solve my own problems for the 1st time. It scares me.
4. Why was I always worrying about you? Always. It should have been the other way around. Now you're not here any more and I have to worry about the mess you left behind. I wanted to hate you so many times- there are moments when I still do. But I love you and I miss you so much every day.
5. I have always loved you like you were part of my family. You've made some personal choices that hurt me more than I could ever tell you. I had to shut myself off from you. Though those choices will always be there, not having you in my life wasn't working for me. I need you around to feel more like myself. You know me better than just about anyone- you've known my secrets, my fears, my shame, and my joy- and you still like me. And that will never cease to amaze me.
6. You make my skin crawl. You aren't aware of the things I know about you. If you were you wouldn't dare be so damn smug and self- righteous all the time. It makes me want to punch you in your stupid head. I hope some girl finally gets the nerve to talk. Do you know what happens to people like you in prison? Nothing less than what you'd deserve.
7. I would have given up so much to be with you, but you never gave me the chance. Like so many others in my life you pulled the out the self- righteous bullshit and ran away before I could leave you. What you never knew was that I wouldn't have left. I would have given up those dreams to stay with you. I still think of you sometimes and the "what might have beens..." and realize that I would have missed so much if you hadn't left me. So even though it hurt- thank you.
8. I'm supposed to pretend you never happened to me. That I'm not affected (effected?) by what happened with you. I can't talk about you unless I'm being sardonic. and even then, only rarely. It's been so many years and in the middle of the night, when I'm still not asleep, thoughts of you (and they're never good) and the lack of closure from our situation plague me. You're fading. It took years before the everyday thoughts left. Someday soon I hope to set you out of my insomniatic mind completely and finally- FINALLY- be free of you.
9. You are the only human being I have ever wanted to die. I have never had anything but hatred and loathing for you. You aren't clever. Some day soon every horrible thing you've done- every lie you've told- is gonna catch up with you. And on that day I'm gonna have a party. You have hurt EVERY person I care about and have destroyed my family. Every day I hope you step in front of a bus. Good luck weaseling your way out of that.
10. This is to a group of people... similar, yet completely unique. I love each of you differently because you are so different. There's not a moment that goes by that I don't think about you- worry that you are alright. Each of you is so beautiful it boggles the mind. No matter what- or who (whom?), as the case may be- tries to get in the way, I will ALWAYS look for you. And I won't give up until I find you. I love you all.

AND, just cause I've been known to be a hateful bitch on occasion... I give you number 11:


11. Though you never would believe me when I told you over and over, I did cheat on you. You didn't think anyone else would want me, right? So wrong honey, so wrong. Not only did he want me, he wanted to marry me. I turned him down (I wasn't that in to him), but he made me feel good about me- which is something you never did. A word of advice, when you think someone is joking about something potentially serious- they probably aren't.